Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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