True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
