oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
