Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
