I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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