someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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