I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
