sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize