There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
