break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize