The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
