If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
