So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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