; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
