Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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