How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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