I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
