I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
