the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize