I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
