census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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