How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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