I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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