You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize