so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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