When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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