i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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