Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
