On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
