while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
