I am full of burrito and curiosity
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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