the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
