I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
