the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
