All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize