Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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