I heard we made out
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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