is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize