also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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