I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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