His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's blow job season.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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