I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
