While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize