the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
