i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
