You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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