My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
