I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
