What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
