i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
