matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
