It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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