Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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