i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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