What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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