She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
