I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
