I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
