I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
