I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize