last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
This is classic penis vs brain.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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