Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
a search helicopter?!
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
