dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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