Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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