I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
