I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
